How I Reclaimed My Creativity

I had an unpleasant experience in my world literature class that I used as my motivation to continue being true to myself and my identity. My professor was cruel and constantly made remarks that doubted my writing style. In a way, he was a bully, but this was his tactic to allow me to become a better writer. However, his comments and demeanor led me to believe my creativity was invalid and improper. Even though I knew that he didn’t intend for me to feel this way afterward, I still did and sometimes I still do. His class taught me how to be bold and understand that mistakes won’t last forever if you can fix them.

When I spoke to my mom, I told her everything — his comments in class and at the bottom of my papers I’d turn in. I asked my mom if she thought he was prejudiced towards me, and her answer was no. Although he never used any derogatory racist language, I needed to make sure from an outside opinion. But there was still an issue that I wasn’t sure how to handle. So, I spoke with my advisor and she offered to switch me out, but I denied her offer. I thought this class was just a challenge and I blamed myself. I worked harder and even quit my job and dropped a course. However, November came, and I hadn’t made any progress, leaving this class unbearable. I spoke with my advisor again and we decided it was best to switch professors for the spring semester.

My new professor inspires me in every class. When I log off our zoom meetings, I’m ready to learn more and dig deeper into my creativity as a writer and an artist. After feeling like I could never be enough, this class feels perfect. But it would be naive to think that a physical change would allow me to fully reclaim my creativity which is my motivation. It’s important to recognize your flaws and obstacles to fully recover from experiencing doubt. My biggest flaw was not allowing myself to be in an environment where I could flourish.

Being black, you must always work twice as hard to receive the same treatment as a white person. UT is a predominantly white university, but administrators are working constantly to be inclusive. My advisor switched me into a class where my professor is black. I didn’t notice I needed this comfort of being taught by someone who understands my obstacles without me having to explain and hoping they understand or being afraid of explaining my background. In my class, we discuss ethics and morality through the lens of current events and our world’s racist past, such as the Russian Penal System and Jim Crow Laws in America. I’m enjoying my class because we discuss and write about eradicating racism.

My new world literature class has inspired me to write this blog and be vulnerable in the hopes that it will inspire people to speak up about their uncomfortable environment. I’m proud of myself for speaking to my advisor and not continuing to suffer. However, I fault myself for not providing myself with a safe environment sooner. I will always use this moment as a learning experience to continue to surround myself with people who uplift me and point out my weaknesses.