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By: Kendall Smith
For most of my life, I have placed immense pressure on myself to be “liked” by others. Though wanting to be seen in a positive light isn’t an entirely abnormal or negative inclination, I have often found the need to gain approval from others to hinder me from acting in a truly authentic way. These “people pleasing” tendencies have had many negative repercussions in my life, such as sacrificing personal boundaries, straining personal relationships, and wasting time and energy worrying about the opinions of others, all because “I wanted people to like me”.
Eventually, I realized this was a harmful mindset and I decided to make a change. For the past months, I’ve been working to unlearn this thought pattern, and act in more genuine ways. Throughout this learning process, I have found a few key takeaways that have helped me to decenter the need for external validation in my life.
Figure out what relationships are adding value to your life
It’s an undeniable fact that relationships require time and energy. When you begin to realize which relationships are supportive, reciprocal and healthy, and which ones drain you of your energy, you can begin to take steps to reassess who you prioritize in your life. It’s helpful to ask yourself: Do you find yourself bending over backwards for certain people without acknowledgment? Who are the first people you call if YOU ever needed help? Asking yourself these types of questions can help you decide which relationships deserve your energy, and free you from feeling responsible for maintaining the unbalanced ones.
Don't take advice from people you don’t admire
As someone who tends to value the opinions of others, I often feel that I overemphasize the importance of people's input and advice regarding my life. Though I’m a firm believer that you can learn invaluable knowledge from others, it’s important to decide whose input is actually valuable to you. You have to remember that everyone has a different set of priorities and values, and just because someone else may find a piece of advice to be helpful to them, doesn’t mean it's aligned with your own personal goals or values. Be mindful of who you are accepting advice from.
Know your values
On the topic of values, I have learned that becoming more comfortable with myself has allowed me to act in more truly authentic ways. When you truly know who you are, it can help you access a deeper level of self-fulfillment and confidence. I have found this self assurance to alleviate some of the pressure to gain external validation, as I feel more internally fulfilled.
Practice boundary setting
In the past, I have struggled to set boundaries as I worried I would disappoint others; this ultimately led to resentment and burn out, as I constantly felt I was sacrificing my own needs to make things easier for others. One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that ultimately, you can't make everyone happy- there are times where you will have to disappoint people. Though this can be momentarily uncomfortable, protecting your own boundaries is far more important for your well being. The more you practice setting healthy boundaries, the easier it becomes and it grants you more freedom to only say “yes” to what feels aligned with you.
About The Author:
Kendall Smith '26
Social Work
Entrepreneurial LeadHERship Fall 2023 Student
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